Something Just Hit The Fan!

Work. Busy. Tasks. Deadlines. Hectic. Tired. Burnt. Weekend? No. Damn…

Boss. Assignment. Urgent. Critical.

Analysis. Figures. Commentary. Thoughts. Documents. Information. Research. Find. Digest. Conclude. Return. Submit. When? Yesterday!

Review. Correct? Submit... Wait. Errors. Damn. Fix. More. Shit. Time? None! Haste. Tick! Tock!

Boss. Assignment? Ready! Here.

Meeting. Managers. Report. Read. Discuss. What? Rubbish! Who? HIM! Punish!

Boss. Pissed!

Fired. Damn.

Helpless

Her screams pierced the cold night air, shattering the peaceful silence which existed just moments before into a million pieces.
As the dark figure entered the room and moved closer to stand over her, she cried out as if she was able to read the stray thought as it escaped his mind
"Why didn't I wear a condom that night?!"

Elevated Standards

"Oh my Gosh, did you see that body?"
"Eh; It was ok."
"Ok?! He had a perfect six pack, gorgeous back, and it looked like a quarter could be bounced on his ass. Normally you'ld be breaking your neck to look at a bod like that, and all you give him is an 'ok'. What's up?"
"Sorry... I saw 300."

Like A Virgin

He walked her through the door, all the time rubbing his hand on her firm body. She took a few steps inside and then stopped, seemingly satisfied with her position. He quickly got comfortable on the ground. She looked at him, and he could tell she was finally ready. He ever so gently felt her breasts...

Then, he milked her.

Her muscles ached from running but she couldn't stop now.
Whenever she considered leaving him she reminded herself that he had her best interest at heart despite the abuse.
Then she heard his voice and cringed
"Pick up the pace slowpoke. And after that you have 150 squats to do, and I want to see that ass touch the floor!"

Process of Elimination

Another dreadful day had come. The crowd withstood the showers as they said their final goodbye. Linda watched in agony, tears streaming down her pale, bruised face. He was really gone.

Her husband held her tightly as he watched his stepson being lowered six feet below. Then he smiled softly, turned to Linda, and whispered in her ear, "You're next."

Transition

He stood on the top of the hill looking back at the life he'd enjoyed. He smiled at the instances of joy, pain, ups, downs, triumphs, failures...... Wonderful memories, people.... He'd been truly blessed.

Regrets? Very few! He'd ensured that he enjoyed that which was given him thoroughly.

Then he turned, looked at his future............ and walked into her arms.

Just Better Than Cameras In The Bathroom

"Hey Chuck, you got any movies here? I wanna watch a mafia flick."

"Yeah, I do, but..."

"Totally cool! You have Scarface! I'm gonna watch Scarface!"

"NO!!! Take it out, dude... You're gonna get me arrested!"

“Shut up man! You’re totally paranoid.”

(Sirens wail outside)

(Man of horn): "Eject the DVD and put your hands where I can see them!"

When It's Time To Go...

Bruce had thought about it for months, even tried it before and couldn't work up the courage. But today was his day to go. His stomach turned and churned as he stepped close to the edge, and said his final prayer. He kissed his wife’s picture one last time.

“Hey Bruce, this is your spot! See you when we land!”

the writer

She was famous. They waited with great anticipation. She sold her final piece for millions before anyone even saw a single word. She was that good. She took her money and went on a long vacation, leaving no trail.

In a large corner office, the first copy of the masterpiece was opened slowly, expectantly. Out came a single page. Blank.

Littered streets

She vaguely remembered voices shouting........ calling her back. But she'd thought they were just trying to spoil her fun. Fun they could not have, chose not to have..... but .........she'd have listened had she known. Instead, constant cries and hungry mouths all day long, no end! She jumped the fence and ran until she could no longer hear................. their meowing.

Faith, Hope & Joy

Tired of suspecting that she'd been fed lies, Joy decided to leave. Hope wasn't so sure, and decided that she'd tough it out a little longer. And Faith, good old Faith allowed herself no time to consider anything negative.

Until finally, Joy, Hope and Faith met. At that point, it was clear- Trick was a cheating a**hole of a boyfriend.

Hours she spent on her masterpiece.
Working. Toiling. Paying attention to every little detail.
Tirelessly her limbs moved, adding delicate touches to make this artwork unique, special additions to make it her own.
Caught up in the task at hand, her surroundings now seemed like big blur, too insignificant for her to take notice
Until it was too late





SPLAT!

Panoridim... Humpty Dumpty style

Panoridim sat on a wall
Panoridim had a great fall
All the strong pan boys and all the pan men
Couldn’t get Panoridim together again.

Then there was a suggestion:
Let the pan ladies do it!!

I'm joking guys... ur not totally incapable... :D

Hi, My name is...

Addiction?!
No, I've never taken casual drugs or anything like that.

Well yeah, there's something I like doing regularly.

So it causes arguments sometimes but that's cause they don't understand.

Well it's fun and it's not hurting anyone.
Lot's of other people do it.

Don't be ridiculous.
I can stop playing whenever I want

but why would I want to?

Focused

“Look at her skirt… it’s hideous!”

“Did he use lotion this morning?”

“What a lapse! She just said ‘forHever’!"

“Is my makeup messed up? I hope not.”

“Wi get di ting dem, dem outta luck now…”

“Bwoy that movie last night was hardcore!”

“Lawx him can chat! Shut up now nuh!...”

“Would you look at that! Church is done already.”

We love you, but...

“Hi mom. Hi Dad. I have something to sh…”

“Before you start dear, we just want to let you know that we love you and have your best interest at heart. Since the day we laid our eyes on you, we knew you would be a special child.”

“What’s this about?” she says somewhat surprised.

“We want you out! Now!”

Everybody else has a life

“Hello… Hello. Is anybody in here?”
She wanders about the dim lit, seemingly abandoned room, as it resonates with every call she makes.

She stumbles over some of B’s books, sees D's cell phone he left to avoid calls, the work BC was stressing over, Seeker’s spelling list… She realizes someone’s there, hovering over a computer, reading/commenting on Aurora. BashmentBass.

She said

"Oh my Gaaawwwwwddd! No he didn't!"
(Sobbing) 'I didn't know what to do... he just......'
"Are you alright?"
'................nooooooooooooo!!' (wailing)
"So...... what are you gonna do....... I mean...... well .........you know what I mean!"
'I don't knoooooooooooooow! I can't breathe! I'm gonna die!' (hyperventilating)
"Everything will be alright, just calm down! So.... what did you say?"
'YES of course!'
"BITCH!"

He said

"Hold on, is what you tryin to seh to me?"
'I did it man.'
"Did what you ass? Stop beatin around di bush! Why you always have to be so damn cryptic?"
'You know already! Didn't you get my text?'
"No I never get no damn text... wait is dat text you talkin bout?!"
(Smiles) 'Yeah.'
"SH*T! You dumb f#ck!"

Pointless Conversations

He walks past several times a day, everyday, glancing in her direction, trying to make eye contact. She sees, but glues her eyes to the screen.
He realizes he’s not getting her attention and walks over... “Hey Q-D-P-I-E!”
“No creativity…” she thinks to herself.
He likes what he sees. He wants what he sees, but he doesn’t stand a chance.

Another Day In Paradise...

“Cool breeeeze… white saaand… warm hands allllll over me… girls… young girls… hot girls… mamma mia!!! This is paradise!!!”

His masseuse whispers, “Get up!..... Get up!............. GET UP!!!”

He jumps up, and realizes he’s in bed. His wife hovers over him. “You need to GET UP! The garbage needs dumping, the kids are late for school, the bills need paying…”

the experiment

“Anderson whats the status?”
“It’s getting worse sir!!”
“There’s nothing else we can do to contain it?”
“We’ve tried everything but its still spreading!”
“Jesus, I’ve never seen anything spread this fast…”
“We’re doomed…oh…God…”

On the other side of the world, the mad scientist cackled with glee.
“Ive done it!! Soon the whole world will be blogging in 60! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!”

When The Bough Breaks...

Hold on. You can do it. Hold on. You can do it. See the door, just ahead. Calm, belly, calm.

Just a few more steps. You can do it… Almost… You're there!

Enter the cubicle. Don't get anxious. Don't make it worse. Turn around. Good. Unbuckle. Good. Unzip. Good. Sit and let free!!!

Oh s#$%! I forgot about my underwear...

the mistake of a mistress

'I need help to get out! You're my best friend; you know I didn't kill her!'

'Ok, dude, calm down. I know you didn’t. I believe you.'

'How’s my wife?'

'Not good. She’s with me for a while. This hit her hard man.'

'I know. Thanks so much. Take care of her, ok?'

'Yea, of course... I’ll.... kill for her...'

Close Quarters

Our actions weren’t coordinated, but they weren’t unique. I’d look up, he’d look down, she’d check her watch. Eyes never made four. Lips never made conversation. We were close, yet distant. It was dead quiet, apart from the surrounding creaking of moving parts. We did it every day, but everyday was the same.

The doors opened. Man, I hate elevators.

Suffer them to come on to me

He looked around at the cheering, jeering crowd. "How had it come to this", he asked himself? He never meant to harm them. Afterall, he loved them. They were so innocent and pure..... unlike their greying counterparts, filled with such deception and hate! He remembered the happy moments with the childr.... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

They applauded. He was pronounced. Revenge is sweet!

Mother Goose goes daytime

Jack left Jill and went up the hill to catch a pail of water.
On coming down he heard a sound and checked to see what was the matter.
There Jill laid with that pumpkin eater Peter and Mary the contrary in quite a close "fit".
Jack so nimble, Jack so quick burnt down the pumpkin with his candlestick.

Positive Outlook (adapted)

A drunk man walked into a restaurant. He was dirty, and stunk of his own waste. He spotted a woman, and advanced...
"Heeeey b-b-baby!"
"Get lost, you drunk, smelly beast!"
"Well y-y-you know what? Yeah, I stink, but you UGLY! When I wake i-i-in the morning, I'll be clean and sober. B-b-but when you wake up, you'll still be ugly!"

bumming for sun

The bodies lay in the sun like cars at a theatre on opening night… packed! Sprawled with arms and legs away from their torsos, girls clad in bikinis, guys in their shorts, cuddling, laughing, sliding, playing Frisbee, basking in sun, rolling in sand… I mean grass…

GRASS!?

But wait… isn’t this the lawn in front of the university administration building?!