Mother Goose goes daytime

Jack left Jill and went up the hill to catch a pail of water.
On coming down he heard a sound and checked to see what was the matter.
There Jill laid with that pumpkin eater Peter and Mary the contrary in quite a close "fit".
Jack so nimble, Jack so quick burnt down the pumpkin with his candlestick.

Positive Outlook (adapted)

A drunk man walked into a restaurant. He was dirty, and stunk of his own waste. He spotted a woman, and advanced...
"Heeeey b-b-baby!"
"Get lost, you drunk, smelly beast!"
"Well y-y-you know what? Yeah, I stink, but you UGLY! When I wake i-i-in the morning, I'll be clean and sober. B-b-but when you wake up, you'll still be ugly!"